Musings for 2012 concluding with threatening the universe, good start.

Tis the first day of 2012. A new year, although supposedly the last. Choosing to ignore that last sentence, it's the beginning of a new year, a new era, in more ways than one. An era of change perhaps.  No, most definitely of change. 2012 is definitely a turning point. Indeed many turning points. I feel that the end of 2011, the very last hour and a half of 2011 to be precise, was a sort of awakening. Shortly after 10:30pm, I feel as though I were snapped or shaken awake. Suddenly I wasn't having fun anymore with the juvenile games that were being played by all around the table. Suddenly the alcohol in my system seemed to dissipate, the fog cleared, and I was awake. But I feel as though I awoke among chaos. Cultural, intellectual chaos perhaps? As I'm sure that is what New Years festivities seem to be to the trained eye. Or maybe they would argue that it is a celebration of culture? In which case, I think I feel worse about it. Highly inebriated festivities which if anything promote drinking and losing ones f*cking mind to usher in the "new" year. But these are festivities that I once loved. Games I once loved. I thrived in the inebriated chaos. The juvenility was a great source of entertainment. But what now?

Perhaps this awakening was a long time coming. Perhaps that is the very theme of 2011, the year of the awakening. Maybe last night was just its climax, failing full synchronicity by an hour and a half. I mean, if I look back at 2011, there are many events I suppose that would suggest an end of one era and the beginning of another. Right from the beginning, ushering in 2011 in Germany with people who would come to be very dear to me over the course of the following year. Having a fallout with my closest friend from my undergraduate days. Finding comfort in the multicultural muses of European cities. Having a relationship epiphany and deciding to intentionally remain single for self-reflection. Finishing a Masters degree and with it my formal 'taught' education. Rediscovering the field of climate change, officially coupling it with my study of International Conflict. Undergoing a profound, life-changing experience in the Swiss Alps working for and living with an International Environmental Lawyer, the benefits of which could not possibly even beging to be enumerated. My big brother and uncle dying in a car accident the day before my birthday while I was still in Switzerland, which had me miss the funeral and formal mourning ceremonies. This event then prompting me to return "home" to Saskatchewan and spend my intermediary job search period there reconnecting with friends and family rather than spending it as a wandering academic minstrel in Europe.

So I suppose, 2011 from the beginning was laying a course for the beginning of a new life, a new path, and slowly shattered the illusions and attachments I held to my old life and old path, which I guess had reached its inevitable end. Following this theory then, my returning to Saskatchewan and my experiences here, culminating in this so called 'awakening' last night, were the inevitable conclusion of 2011. It was the final realisation that, to put it bluntly, I have changed, and apparently passed the point of no-return. Because it's not them that has changed. Redvers has most definitely not changed. The games have not changed. The culture has not changed. The alcohol and manner it is consumed has definitely not changed. It's my perception of it all that has changed. My place in the scheme of it all has changed. So I suppose that awakening was cementing this ultimate realisation; that there is no going back, only forward. Indeed, this whole of my experiences during this séjour in Saskatchewan all seem to suggest that. But Saskatchewan, despite it all, is 'home' to me. It is that comfort zone where everything is easy and uncomplicated. There is a part of me that longs for nothing more than to be happy here, like everyone else. Even to be happy back in Saskatoon. I guess part of that ultimate realisation is the final shattering of that cracked and flawed pipe dream. Finally fully accepting that on the path to the next step of my life, there is no going back to the comforts of my youth. Accepting that the door to my past with everything and everyone in it, has officially closed and locked, leaving only a window from which to look back.

So, if the final conclusion of 2011 and the message to start 2012 by, is that there is no going back, only forward... then the great question becomes, where to go? Where is this next door? Maybe by formally resigning my efforts to fight against universe and pry open that now locked door, and by accepting this revelation as a starting point for 2012, I will receive some clues as to what the answer might be or where it lies? Well, let's hope. Because if all the coming events of January don't provide me with some sort of guidance or some sort of path forward, even the first steps to the path, or even a friggin signpost pointing me in the direction of the path, I'll.... I'll what? Sit here and threaten the universe via blog?