So I've been back in Saskatchewan in the same place (quick trips to Saskatoon and Brandon do not count as travel of course) for about 8 weeks now. Christmas was good, I'm very thankful for the gifts I received, but really it was depressing as it brought about all kinds of thoughts and memories of people that are no longer here. However, discounting falsely built-up holidays like Christmas, things have officially gotten to the point where stumbling across a Manneken Pis corkscrew brings about fond memories of Brussels and a longing sensation. Which, to long for Brussels of all places, in case I haven't quite clearly expressed my feelings about that city in previous blogs, is a bit of a warning flag.
Not to mention the fact that this longing for travel, excitement, and international ventures naturally brings up the work and career question, which is still helplessly unresolved and open ended. Which then brings about anxiety about the job search, about different paths and fields, about potential cities and opportunities, and about skills and effort, all mixed in with an excitably anxious yet timid and overwhelmed feeling about what lies ahead. Then this of course makes a full circle back to questioning my present environment. Questioning negative and destructive influences and their effect on myself, questioning stagnant activity and its effect on my skills, prospects and future, and questioning the very people around me, our relationship, and my relationship with the world. Finally, that last bit brings me to this pointlessly destructive spiral of re-hashing all the criticism (both fair and completely and utterly unjustified, harsh, and debilitating) that I've received over the course of the last 8 months. As you can imagine, this all then leads me to unnecessary and unneeded depression and stress, which unfortunately manifests itself physically on my body with incapacitating stomach pains and lack of appetite, bringing about nausea and headaches. Which all sums up to leave me at my present state laying in bed, unable to focus long enough to work on my essay for my most recent job application, effectively restarting the cycle.
I do know however, that I really just need to get my mind of things and re-find my balance. However right now, even the thought of Jasmin's New Years Eve party tomorrow, which I am basically co-hosting, makes me nauseous and want to lock myself up in my room. On a positive note though, my 2 week+ trip to Edmonton and Vancouver is only a week away. I'm really hoping that it will be the escape I need to regain perspective and focus, and in short, get a grip on things. In the meantime then, I'm off to watch another dozen or so episodes of The Big Bang Theory in attempts to lose myself in Sheldon and Leonard's entertainingly facetious affairs.
No comments:
Post a Comment