You can feel so sure at one moment, and feel like you’re grasping at straws the next. But between moment A and B, what changed? What is that precious differential that can make you confident and adventurous one moment, and cripple you to stress and a certain fear the next? Fear isn’t so much the right word, as it’s not a fear of failure, fear or loneliness, or fear on financial grounds, as are most traditional ‘life’ fears. So ‘fear’ of what? Is it more a general anxiety? A worry about something? Maybe it’s just the natural feeling when you are in the process of ending yet another chapter to open another. A chapter more unknown more unsettled and more up in the air than any chapter I’ve ever lived before. However, a chapter with infinite possibilities.
Before I thought that Barcelona was the transitional chapter, but now I have the feeling that this is as well. Maybe everything from the moment I left Switzerland up until present has been transitional. It would make sense, no? Who knows, maybe Ecuador, given two months, will also be categorized in to this ‘transition’ to something. I guess that depends what comes after right? But how? On what? Does it depend on a career objective? On self assurance of life directions? On love? On friendship? On the evolution of personal values and self?
Sometimes I wonder why I keep putting myself through it. Through all the stress that comes with moving this much. With keeping this nomadic lifestyle. Wouldn’t it just be much easier to do as all the Americans I’ve met do? Have a permanent place in Canada somewhere where I have a job and make ‘real’ money, then come on 3-6 month adventures from time to time. Maybe it would be. But then where? Doing what?
Then there’s the question of PhD… If I choose this path, then I am committing to at least 3-5 years in one location. So should I not live out my nomadic fantasies now? Then again, is a PhD really what I should do? Would I be happier doing something else? It does re-challenge the financial issues.
I just feel like everything is up in the air right now. But at the same time, I am fairly sure of so many things. It feels like thinking inside a paradox. One of assuredness and of dizziness. Of path and forest.
“Take it one day at a time” or “We have all the time in the world” I say to others, all the while re-affirming it to myself. This is the secret to it all, no? To enjoy the process and not be end-goal centered. Focus on the means, not only the end. For the processes are the beauty of life, right? In which case, taking it ‘one day at a time’, and not stressing about these questions or queries is most definitely the right plan. However, it’s a lot more difficult to execute than it seems. Because life is full of events that force you to think more long term. Or at least short term. Force you to plan and manage.
As much as I love not having a concrete 3-10 year plan, being extremely flexible and adaptable, and having the freedom to go live on the coast for a month if I want, I do very much love having some sort of structure. For instance, being under a 3 month contract was nice. It offered some concrete structure to a nomadic existence. Perfect. Only problem, was what happens when the contract expires, and you don’t want to renew it? Find a new contract? I should really really just be focusing on enjoying this next month and a half of freedom and travelling, so why can’t I? Why am I so caught with the bigger question and to what happens after this time?
Well I have exactly 17 hours to put this all to rest, or some sort of tepid truce in my mind before we catch the bus to Colca, commencing exactly two weeks of adventuring that will bring camping and touring in the Sacred Valley, exploring Cusco, marvelling at Machu Piccu, regrouping a few days in Arequipa, then bussing 42 hours to Ecuador, to our new temporary home on the coast. Not to mention all the packing that needs to happen between now and then, and settling of deposit in Ecuador somehow.
*Deep breaths*
I suppose it all is just some inevitable fact of my existence, all this worry and stress and questions before taking another leap. I’m sure if I re-read writings before other ‘leaps’ they would be very similar. I am taking the leap with someone this time, so I suppose that things will inevitably be different. They have to be. So why don’t I feel that way? Perhaps because nothing has happened yet. Because all of my previous experiences have all been me dealing with everything?
Then again, maybe everything comes in its own time. That peace and serenity will return, along with the resolve and faith. Perhaps it’s just the cycle of human nature to go through these waves. The deal with the up is that it must go down eventually.
My last problem then, is I wonder, will it go back up if I don’t stress and work for it to? If I can truly manage to forget about it and not worry about it, will it still work out and go back up the same as the alternative method?
“Take it one day at a time” or “We have all the time in the world” I say to others, all the while re-affirming it to myself. This is the secret to it all, no? To enjoy the process and not be end-goal centered. Focus on the means, not only the end. For the processes are the beauty of life, right? In which case, taking it ‘one day at a time’, and not stressing about these questions or queries is most definitely the right plan. However, it’s a lot more difficult to execute than it seems. Because life is full of events that force you to think more long term. Or at least short term. Force you to plan and manage.
As much as I love not having a concrete 3-10 year plan, being extremely flexible and adaptable, and having the freedom to go live on the coast for a month if I want, I do very much love having some sort of structure. For instance, being under a 3 month contract was nice. It offered some concrete structure to a nomadic existence. Perfect. Only problem, was what happens when the contract expires, and you don’t want to renew it? Find a new contract? I should really really just be focusing on enjoying this next month and a half of freedom and travelling, so why can’t I? Why am I so caught with the bigger question and to what happens after this time?
Well I have exactly 17 hours to put this all to rest, or some sort of tepid truce in my mind before we catch the bus to Colca, commencing exactly two weeks of adventuring that will bring camping and touring in the Sacred Valley, exploring Cusco, marvelling at Machu Piccu, regrouping a few days in Arequipa, then bussing 42 hours to Ecuador, to our new temporary home on the coast. Not to mention all the packing that needs to happen between now and then, and settling of deposit in Ecuador somehow.
*Deep breaths*
I suppose it all is just some inevitable fact of my existence, all this worry and stress and questions before taking another leap. I’m sure if I re-read writings before other ‘leaps’ they would be very similar. I am taking the leap with someone this time, so I suppose that things will inevitably be different. They have to be. So why don’t I feel that way? Perhaps because nothing has happened yet. Because all of my previous experiences have all been me dealing with everything?
Then again, maybe everything comes in its own time. That peace and serenity will return, along with the resolve and faith. Perhaps it’s just the cycle of human nature to go through these waves. The deal with the up is that it must go down eventually.
My last problem then, is I wonder, will it go back up if I don’t stress and work for it to? If I can truly manage to forget about it and not worry about it, will it still work out and go back up the same as the alternative method?
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