As I sit down to write this entry, I'm realizing how much has changed and happened in the last few months.. I just haven't had inordinate amounts of free time on the computer to document or reflect on it. It's rather been pondered and reflected at 2200m in a forest on a mountain with a few people that I've become very close with here. These two people I'm referring to, are amazing wonderful human beings. And the forest and mountain I mentioned, magical. Had you told me six months ago that this is what my life would be like right now, with these people, never would I have believed you.
But now, as it's already almost mid-August and summer is nearly over, there is a distinct pang of melancholy, and indeed almost heartache as it's sinking in that everything I've grown to love of in my life now is changing and departing yet again. People are leaving, new people are coming, everyone going their separate ways, myself included. Changing countries, changing jobs, changing friends. Sure this is all part of the package when you are an international taking on a temporary contract, but it doesn't make it any easier to cope with. Yes life is a continual evolution and progression, a continual state of "out with the old and in with the new," a necessary process in order to learn and grow, but does it all have to happen so fast? I feel like I am a completely different person now than who I was last year. I feel like so much has happened in the last year, which I guess it has.
I truly do love and seek the adventure in life, which I guess this blog makes abundantly evident, always seeking out new experiences, trying to explore and understand as much as possible. And as I embrace the buddhist wisdom and philosophy of life, that there is something to learn from everything every experience, and everyone, I suppose it would make sense that after a full year of new experiences around every corner, I would feel like a different person. But I love this. However, my grand dilemma is that I want to continue to have these adventures and live these experiences, meeting and learning from all these new people, but I would also like some sort of stability in my life. Anything really. Because as it stands, in the last 14 months, I've lived in 5 different apartments in 3 different countries, I've been forced to change groups of friends at least 5 times, and have finished two degrees and held two different jobs.
I mean, I love it, I really do, and I am so very grateful for every single minute of it, especially here, but I'm tired. I'm tired of always having to say goodbye to such wonderful people. I'm sick of constantly relocating. I hate not being able to see all or any of the people I love, as they're all scattered around the world. Maybe the problem is that I get attached to people and places too quickly? Maybe I seek out some form of stability that doesn't exist? Or maybe what I want and crave out of life just cannot co-exist... Then again, perhaps its all in how life is perceived. Actually, I think that's it. The problem then becomes, how do you change, alter, or shape your perception? Because if it came down to choosing, right now, to give it all up for permanent stability and comfort, I don't think I could. In fact, I know I couldn't. Because in the end, as tiring, volatile, instable, lonely, and transient this life can be, every single day is an opportunity to meet incredible people and experience wonderful things, appreciating and understanding life just a little more every time. So ultimately, perhaps it all comes down to simply seeing life for what it is and learning to live in the moment. Appreciating each moment individually and in the grand scheme, not in spite of its fragility and transience, but because of it.
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